The Slaughtering of a Well Loved Classic
by Sans Papiers
Summary: Following the lines of A Horrid Summary, this is a horrid slaughtering of the well loved Disney movie, Swiss Family Robinson. Includes Tinkerbell and the Emcee from Cabaret fighting a battle to the death, bazookas, and many things named Bob. Last Chpt up.
1. Where Ernst Gets Cannabalistic Threats

Setting: The deck of a ship cut in half by a cannon ball. A big gigantic hurricane is in place. After a nice shot of the outside whilst the credits roll, we are shown to the inside, outside the captain's cabin. The Robinson family is trying to break in for some reason.

Mother: It's wet!

Ernst: Yes. It is. I'm the smart one. Therefore I know that it is wet because we are in the middle of a hurricane and the waves keep washing over the sides of the ship.

Fritz: Shut up.

Father: Yeah.

Francis: Yeah.

Mother: Yeah.

Ernst: No one loves me…

Fritz: Wow. When Thai/Indonesian pirates bomb a ship and drive it through a hurricane, they really bomb a ship and drive it through a hurricane!

Father: That's why we keep you around! For great innovations like that! Good show, old chap!

Ernst: How come when I come up with a brilliant scientific explanation everyone tells me to shut up, but when Fritz says something totally obvious and stupid he's everyone's favorite?

Father: Shut up, you stupid jerk!

Everyone Else: Yeah!

Francis: Wait, Father, how come you have a British accent but no one else does? And how come, if we're from Switzerland, do we all have different accents?

Mother: Shut your mouth! Do you want Walt Disney to come down here and smack the sacrilege from your head?

(Tinkerbell, the character that I in no way own, pops up, waving her wand threateningly.)

Tinkerbell: Yeah, little punk! Bring it!

Francis: Um…never mind. Please don't hurt me…Um…I believe in fairies?

Tinkerbell: That's more like it, punk! (Disappears in a flash of fairy dust)

Mother: Good. Now let's flash forward to tomorrow.

Flash forward to the next day

Mother: It's still wet!

Ernst: Well, I'm rather stumped as to why, because we've sort of been lying in the sun all morning and it's the Indian Ocean, so it's pretty dang warm.

Father: Don't make me beat you, boy!

Fritz: Me too.

Francis: (disappears) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Everyone: OH MY GOD! (Runs to see what happened.)

Francis: I found the aminals! DOGGIE! (Indeed, Francis has found the ship's animals.)

Everyone: We came over for this?

Fritz: Hey! We're near shore.

Father: How ever did I get a son as smart as this? We all love you, Fritz!

(Everyone hugs Fritz. Except Ernst)

Ernst: We should build a raft to get to shore. It's only over there, through the rapids, rocks, and abnormally high waves.

Father: It'd never work.

(Everyone sits in silence and wet for a while.)

Fritz: Let's build a raft!

Father: Genius! This boy's a genius!

(They build a perfectly sea worthy raft, apparently having enough wood, tools, saws, nails, and rope. And they do so in only two-three hours.)

Mother: I don't want to jump from the ship to the raft.

Father: Go on. Water can't hurt you!

Ernst: I'll catch you, Mother!

Mother: I don't like you. Fritz, you're the strong one, you can catch me.

Father: I'd catch you, Mother.

Mother: You're the stupid jerk who wanted to move to New Guinea in the first place. Besides. You never even call me by my first name. No. I like Fritz best.

Fritz: I'll go after you, Mother. I have to stay behind for some reason.

Mother: Oh well. (She swings on a rope and manages to fall in the foot of space between ship and raft.) I'M VERY WET!

Father: You never shut up, do you…

Fritz: I'll help you, Mother! (He does so.)

Francis: DOGGIE! DOGGIES COME! (The ship's dogs, whom he has befriended in the past two hours, want to come too)

Father: The dogs are not coming. We'll sink.

(They cast off) (The dogs follow, doggie paddling against the rapids.)

Mother: Let them in or they'll die!

Father: Okay. (The dogs are let on.) (The raft reaches land.)

Ernst: Yay! We're on land! Let's build shelter!

Mother: Shut your blasphemous mouth! Pray. (The family prays)


	2. Bob the Elephant

Ernst: Yay! Now can we build a shelter!

Father: Wait for Fritz to suggest it.

Fritz: Let's do what Ernst said.

Father: Yay!

(They build a very small tent.)

Mother: My my. It is strange here. (She sees a lizard) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA! BAD LIZARD I HATE YOU GO AWAY (picks up Anne's bazooka) (Authoress's Note: see "The Horrid Summary" for more references to Anne's bazooka) I SHALL BAZOOKA YOU!

Lizard: (Makes a small movement. Flicks its tongue) My my. I wonder if this nice Swiss lady will be friends with me…

Mother: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (Drops bazooka) OH FRITZ, SAVE ME!

Anne: (pops up) NO TOUCHY MY BAZOOKA! (Whacks Mother on the head with a haddock) By the way, I have a secret. (Pops away)

Everyone: (Comes running)

Mother: Itwasgreenandsmall anditmovedandnow I'mreallyscaredand Ihateithere…

Father: Oi.

(cut to night. Everyone except for Father is sleeping.)

Mother: Go to sleep, you stupid jerk.

Father: Why did we want to move to New Guinea? It wasn't that bad in Switzerland.

Mother: Yes, it was. Fritz and Ernst would have been sent to the army. God only knows what happens there.

Father: But still, we could have stuck it out. Besides. If Ernst went to the army, maybe he would be killed. Then all would be good.

Mother: No, we couldn't have that. _Everyone_ hates Ernst. The army would have killed _us_ just for having him in our family.

Father: Yeah, I _really_ don't like Ernst.

Mother: Me too.

Father: (Cheerfully) Well, at least we know who we'll eat first when we come to cannibalism.

Mother: It's nice to have some security.

(Cut to the next morning)

Mother: IT RAINED! I'M EXTRAORDINARILY WET! AGAIN!

Ernst: In the grand scheme of things, Mother, being wet is extraordinarily irrelevant.

Mother: Okay, it's decided. We eat Ernst now.

(Father, Mother, and Francis approach Ernst with forks and knives.)

Fritz: No, we need him to come up with stupid ideas that would never work but that sound great when I suggest them. Come. Let us raid the ship for everything to build a house.

Mother: No. We don't have to build a house. We will stay on the beach and wait for a ship.

Father: You don't know anything. Let's ignore you. (They do so, and take the raft back to the ship.)

Francis: Come here, lil' elephant. I wouldn't hurt you. (He lures an elephant into a foot noose with a piece of sugar cane.) Come here, lil' elephant. I'm not gonna hurt you…

Tiger: (to the tune of the meow mix song, which I do not own.) I like human, I like human, meow mix meow mix please deliver…

Elephant: AH! TIGER! (Attempts to run away, but is caught in foot noose.)

Francis: STOP MOVING! I WON'T HURT YOU! (Sees tiger) Oh crap.

Tinkerbell: (Randomly appears) EXCU-USE ME? I KNOW YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY WHAT I THINK I HEARD YOU SAY! (Wacks with wand and disappears)

Francis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHA AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA THE FAIRY DUST GOT IN MY EYES!

Mother: Wtf? (sees Francis) YOU STUPID CHILD! WALT DISNEY GONNA COME DOWN HERE AND SMACK YO' BLASHPHEMOUS HEAD, PUNK!

Doggies: TIGER! LET'S PLAY!

Tiger: Oi. Stupid Swiss dogs...

Doggies: Play!

Tiger: (growl)

Francis: Elephant!

Mother: (sees tiger) Oh crap. (Glances upward) Uh, sorry Tink… AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA!

Doggies: (Against all odds, two medium sized mastiffs with no claws and not very sharp teeth managed to scare away a tiger bigger than both of us put together with saber teeth and claws.)

Mother: Good doggies.

Francis: Mommy, can I keep the elephant?

Mother: Stupid child! (Sees elephant) Awwwww… he's so cute…Let's name him Bob.


	3. In Which a Shark Gets Its Feelings Hurt

(At the boat)

Ernst: Hey! There's a ship coming! AHOY! AHOY! WE'RE OVER HERE! (Does a tap dance on the railing to be sure to get their attention.)

Fritz: (looks through the spyglass) Get down, you stupid idiot! Those are the same pirates who bombed us! And it looks like they're singing Gilbert and Sullivan!

(His spyglass is apparently extraordinarily powerful, as it shows the pirates just like the camera was on them)

Pirate King: _For I am a Pirate King!_

Pirates: _You are, hurrah for the Pirate King!_

Pirate King: _And it is, it is a glorious thing, to be a Pirate King. For I am a Pirate King!_

Pirates: _You are, hurrah for the Pirate King!_

Pirate King: _And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Pirate King._

Pirates: _It is, hurrah for the Pirate King, hurrah for the Pirate King!_

Pirate King: Now that we're done performing show tunes, let's get back to bombing and pillaging. Now let me walk around and speak in gibberish, which is apparently Disney's Thai/Indonesian language. (ahem) UGFAUG auauydgwlidga!

Pirates: UGFAUG auauydgwlidga.

Pirate King: JABIDHA ishgaoida Hey, there's that ship we bombed yesterday. Let's go pillage them some more.

Pirates: ANCVOIEH okay.

(They sail for the ship.)

Ernst: Crud!

Fritz: Jerk! I know who we're eating for dinner. You are sooo the stupid younger brother. Besides, I am hot Fritz, who looks totally sexy without his shirt. And you…don't.

Ernst: (takes off shirt) Don't make me get my angry face on.

Fritz: Oh, your angry face. I am so frightened.

Pirates: (randomly start screaming at the sight of Ernst without a shirt and rowing away.)

Ernst: Wow, Father. What did you do? They definitely can't be running away from anything I did.

Father: Put up the Black Death flag. See, you really have no need here. Fritz is the strong one, and I am way smarter than you, so why don't we just eat you once the food gets low?

Ernst: Uh…

Fritz: We can eat him when we get back to shore. Now, let's salvage everything from the ship. (They do so.)

Fritz: (wrestles hog)

Ernst: I could wrestle a hog.

Father: Look, Ernst, just because you're the Marian of our movie, doesn't mean that you can be stupid. Marian served some purpose in _Woman in White_, and your only purpose here is to be eaten. So shut up.

Ernst: Please don't eat me.

Father: Shut up. Okay. Let's bring all the animals after us.

(They bring the animals trailing along behind on flotation devices.)

Shark: Oh, some nice humans. I wonder if they'll be friends with me.

Ernst: SHARK MUST KILL SHARK! (He grabs a piece of wood and starts hitting the shark away)

Shark: No one loves me. Hey! Here's a bunch of floating livestock. Me eat.

Sharks: Oh! Floating livestock! Yum!

Father: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE! ME SHOOT YOU ALL!

Fritz: Whack! Kapow! Bling! Zow!

Ernst: Thank you, Fritz for your wonderful sound effects.

Fritz: It's what I do.

Ernst: That was sarcasm, you oafish lout.

Fritz: (blinks) Shut up! Just because I'm the dumb hot guy doesn't mean that you can be mean to me. I'm hot and manly and here that's all that matters.

Ernst: I am surrounded by idiots…

Sharks: We're going away now because no one luvs us.

Father: Yay!

(They land)


	4. In Which Fritz Learns Big Words

(As Ernst, Father, and Fritz land on the island, Mother freaks out. As usual.)

Mother: Did you know that the islands between Thailand and New Guinea have tigers!

Everyone else: Yes.

Mother: (Blinks) Well. Now I do too. Anyhoo, the tiger tried to eat Francis and my beloved Bob.

Father: Who is Bob?

Mother: Our elephant.

Father: We have an elephant?

Mother: I 3 him. Bob! LMAO!

Family: (Blinks)

Fritz: Mommy Mommy we're gonna build a tree house! An it's gonna have a rocket launcher, an a ice cream machine, an video games an we're gonna stay up all night an…

Mother: No tree house.

Father: Come on, Mother.

Mother: No tree house. Tigers everywhere. Tigers kill us. Tigers climb trees. Tiger tried to eat Bob. I LUVB MY BOB!

Father: Come on, Mother. Tigers are cats. It's not like cats can climb trees.

Ernst: Actually…

Father: SHUT YOUR MOUTH NOW, BOY OR PUT YOURSELF ON THE BARBEQUE, CAUSE IF YOU GONNA TALK, WE GONNA EAT YOU.

Ernst: (digs a hole in the ground and buries himself in it)

Father: That's called 'obey thy Father'.

(They build the tree house. Francis gets a monkey, whom Mother names Bob. Mother finds a way to get three new outfits, despite all their stuff having been destroyed and them being isolated. Fritz gets hotter, if possible. Ernst gets more annoying and more death threats. If possible.)

Mother: Yay! We have a pretty house. In a tree, which no tiger can climb. By the way I named the tiger Bob.

Father: What is it with you and Bob?

Mother: YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THE WAY I NAME MA AMINALS, PUNK?

Tinkerbell: No possible rifts between married people in Disney movies. Remember. You have to live happily ever after.

Mother: He dared to question my Bobs.

Father: She's a psychopath.

Mother: I'm not a psychopath until the nice doctors proclaim me as such.

Father: There are no nice doctors here.

Mother: Then I guess I'm not a psychopath.

Tinkerbell: Uh…I'm gonna go…I'll be sending Winnie the Poo who the authoress doesn't own down a little while later with some honey to make everything all better…(flies away very disturbed)

Father: As I was saying, it's not like cats can climb trees.

Ernst: (has had his mouth duct taped together) MMMMMMFFFF!

Fritz: And now, let us go around the island and make sure that it's an island.

Ernst: (rips off duct tape.) OWIEOWIEOWIE! Anyhoo, it's pretty obvious that we're on an island.

Fritz: But we must make sure. Besides. Maybe once we're away from everyone I can kill you and say that the tiger ate you.

Mother: Fritz, no! You can't go away and leave me with these jerks!

Father: Mother-

Mother: You want to keep talking, Mr. Dummy Who Wanted to Move to New Guinea in the First Place and Dares to Question My Beloved Bobs?

Father: No…

Fritz: Uh…you're all getting creepy…Come on, Ernst. Let's go.

Mother: (sigh) This island has everything we need. It's beautiful, safe, and, in our tree house, completely free of tigers named Bob.

Father: Well, it doesn't have everything. Eventually Francis and Fritz will grow up and ask what a girl is.

Mother: What about Ernst?

Father: Don't worry. We'll kill him before he gets that old. It's physically impossible to not kill him before he gets that old. Now, if only the island had a way of supplying women here, all would be good.

(Cut to Ernst and Fritz)

Fritz: Remember in Switzerland when all the girls voted me the hottest guy in Switzerland ten years running?

Ernst: Yes.

Fritz: Yeah…I miss that here…

Ernst: What?

Fritz: You know. The adoring fan girls, the people screaming, the girls fawning over your every move…

Ernst: You forget. Every time I talk to a girl, it's like the repeat of what happens to Quasimodo after the Feast of Fools in the Disney version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, without the being saved by a beautiful woman. By the way, the authoress doesn't own the above mentioned movie. Well, she owns a copy of it, but not the rights.

Fritz: Yeah. You're really odious to all the girls.

Ernst: How did you learn a word like odious?

Fritz: Word-a-day toilet paper.

Ernst: (Blinks) Ooo-kay. I still don't get how I'm actually smart, but everyone hates me for it.

Fritz: You only know stupid stuff. Here, all that matters is being hot and being able to chase away tigers named Bob.

Ernst: I have a pistol!

Fritz: With one shot. Ooh.

Ernst: (utter Gollem moment) Don't listen to him, my precious…

Fritz: I'll never understand how a guy so utterly hot as me ended up related to such an utter creep.


	5. In Which Ernst Is Very, Very Stupid

(Cut to later, Fritz and Ernst are in the water on a raft, and it gets smashed.)

Ernst: Oh crud. Hey! There're some people over there! AHOY! AHOY! (Ernst does a very intricate Pointe ballet dance to get their attention, but fails)

Fritz: YOU STUPID JERK! Those are the self-same pirates, again! And they have two new prisoners!

(Cut to old guy and Roberta)

Old Guy: You're a guy, remember? If they knew you were a girl, they would make you marry one of the pirates.

Roberta: I find that highly unlikely.

Old Guy: It is. But we can't say rape in a Disney movie.

Tinkerbell (I do not own any of the Disney characters, concepts, etc): (appears) YOU JUST RAISED THE MOVIE TO PG, PUNK! FAIRIES ATTACK! (Tinkerbell, the fairies from Sleeping Beauty which I don't own and all other miscellaneous Disney fairies start killing the Old Guy)

Old Guy: AHHHH!

(Cut to Pirates)

Pirate King: NO! Johnson, you keep messing up the harmony on measure twelve. It's a G for the basses, not an F sharp. Again, from the top!

Pirates: _With cat-like tread,_

_Upon our prey we steal,_

_In silence dread,_

_Our cautious way we feel. _

_No sound at all!_

_We hardly speak a word._

_A fly's foot fall_

_Would be distinctly heard!_

Pirate King: JOHNSON! WHAT DID I TELL YOU? IT'S A G, YOU TUNE DEAF OAF! (The whole pirate crew and king start killing Johnson.)

(Fritz and Ernst enter stealthily, coming up in the mass of sugar cane behind Roberta and Old Guy.)

Fritz: Don't worry. We're friends. And I'm hot.

Roberta: You don't say… (Drools and glomps)

Old Guy: Take my granddaught- er, that is, grand_son_ named uh…Bertie! They can hold me for ransom, but he is young. (Starts to sing Bring Him Home, which I don't own.) He is young…He's afraid…Let him rest…Heaven blessed…Bring Him Home…

Pirates: Hey! He's stealing our singing bit!

(Pirates leave Johnson with a pitch pipe to overcome his tune issues, and start trying to kill Ernst, remembering him as the guy who scars eyes when he doesn't wear a shirt.)

Pirates: LHAIBAOGHD! DIE!

Ernst: Bertie! Run!

(Fritz, Ernst, and Roberta run away and get to the middle of the island with safety.)

Roberta: I don't wanna run anymore. (Cries)

Ernst: Ha! You're even wimpier than I am! Ha! You're as wimpy as a girl! Hahahahaha!

Roberta: (aside) I am sooo gonna remember this for when he tries to flirt with me later…

Fritz: Worry not, Bertie. He is only an ugly, Marian-like jerk. I can tell that we will become great friends. (Puts arm around Roberta and helps her run)

Roberta: Heh…heh… (Drools) So gonna remember _this_ when he tries to flirt with me later….


	6. The TinkerbellEmcee Fight to the Death

Fritz: Whew. That was a close one.

Pirates: Hey! One of them just said, 'Whew. That was a close one.' Now we can pinpoint where they are!

(Fritz, Ernst, and Roberta find themselves being chased again. Eventually they are safe. _Really_. They arrive at a river to cross.)

Fritz: Okay. Take off your clothes. It's river wading time! (Takes off shirt)

Roberta: (stares at Fritz) Heh…heh…cutie Swiss guy… (Drools)

Ernst: Hey, Bertie! Clothes off. Of are you even wimpier than me? I can take my shirt off! (Does so) Oh yeah! My manly hotness! Check out these manly rugged arms!

Roberta: (sees Ernst without a shirt) MY EYES! MY EYES! SOMEONE GET ME SOME ACID!

Ernst: (Is sad) Why do people always do that?

Roberta: (steals Ernst's gun) I'LL SHOOT! DON'T MAKE ME UNDRESS! AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON!

Ernst: (comes at Roberta)

Roberta: Oh come on. You could at least try to make me shoot the one I won't mind shooting. (Shoots easily over Ernst's shoulder) That was a warning. Don't come closer.

Fritz: (has snuck up behind Roberta, and pulls off her hat/scarf thing. Therefore, it is apparent she is a girl. Don't ask how.)

Ernst: Heh…heh…pretty girl… (Drools)

Roberta: (starts crying) My granddaddy told me to cut my hair an it was really pretty but I had to cause otherwise I would be-

Tinkerbell: (appears, her wand stained with blood) Don't make me kill you too. I got a pretty good crime ring going here. You wouldn't be safe anywhere, punk. Don't say the "r" word.

Roberta: Uh….so I wouldn't have to _marry_ one of the pirates…

Tinkerbell: That's better. (disappears)

Roberta: Anyhoo, I'm a girl and my name's Roberta.

Ernst: Heh…heh…you're purdy. (Drools)

Fritz: I'll help you, Roberta.

Ernst: I will too.

(Together they help Roberta across the river.) (The Emcee from Cabaret appears and starts singing to the tune of Two Ladies, which I do not own. Most of the words are written by my sister, persephone-goddess, and are put here with her permission.)

Emcee: Beedle dee dee dee dee!

Two Swiss Guys.

Beedle dee dee dee dee!

Two Swiss Guys.

Beedle dee dee dee dee!

Und she's the only girl,

Ja!

Beedle dee dee dee dee!

She likes Fritz.

Beedle dee dee dee dee!

Fritz likes her.

Beedle dee dee dee dee!

Ernst is upset.

(The Emcee disappears.) (Cut to later)

Roberta: I'm tired an hot an thirsty an I wanna go home. (Starts crying)

Fritz: Don't worry, Roberta-Schnooky-Pie. I'll find a way back to the tree house.

Ernst: Roberta-Girl-Who-I-Love-With-All-My-Heart, let's go back to the coast and wait for your grandfather to get out of the hospital due to Tinkerbell injuries. He's certain to rescue us.

Roberta: Okay!

Fritz: NOOO! (Big fight with Ernst) (Fritz wins) Ha. Survival of the fittest, man. Your genes will eventually be eliminated fro the gene pool because you fail at life. Ha. I know more about biology than you. Ha.

Ernst: (picks up gun) As you often say, knowing stuff doesn't matter here.

Fritz: Idiot, there's no shots in there. And I can still whup your as-

Tinkerbell: (pops up) PUNK! YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE THE THEATER! KEEP (hits Fritz with machete) IT (hits him again) KID (again) APPROPRIATE (and yet again)!

Fritz: I don't like the amount of blood coming from my head…

Tinkerbell: Oh dear. No blood in Disney movies. (Heals Fritz) (Pops away)

Ernst: (checks.) Why so you're right about the number of bullets in the pistol! Ten fold, old chap!

Fritz: Don't think you can faux-British accent your way out of this one, jerk. When we're home, I'm so not gonna stand up for you when Father wants to eat you.

Roberta: I love it when guys fight over me. Fritz, I don't wanna walk.

Fritz: I'd give you a piggy back ride, but it's too suggestive for Disney movies.

Tinkerbell: (appears) No. You're good with the piggy back ride. As long as you don't make any innuendos. And was that Cabaret music I heard a little while ago?

Emcee: (appears) Beedle dee dee dee dee!

Two ladies.

Beedle dee dee dee dee!

Two Ladies

Beedle dee dee dee dee!

Und I'm ze only man.

Ja…

Tinkerbell: THAT'S SO NOT EVEN AN INNUENDO! KEEP IT G RATED! NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS!

(The Emcee and Tinkerbell fight it out, in a gory, bloody and definitely not G rated battle scene)

Roberta: I'm never doing a Disney movie again…


	7. Bob the Zebra and Bob the Alligator

Fritz: Hey! It's a zebra! In a quicksand pit!

Hyenas: Yummy yummy quicksand zebra….

Roberta: No! We must save the zebra!

Fritz: I will risk my life and save the zebra, because it means so much to you. (Goes to do so)

Ernst: Hey, Roberta. I know poetry. Yeah. Now aren't I so much cooler that Fritz? (Strikes a manly, poetry pose. If such thing is possible.) Ja. Check out my manly rugged arms. Ja.

Roberta: Oh, I never could resist a guy who knew poetry! Now go rescue my zebra. Its name is Bob. I heart it. A lot more than I heart you.

Ernst: Eh…

(Fritz and Ernst get the zebra out and the hyenas away.)

Roberta: Now I will ride the zebra home! I love you Bob! I love you even more than Walter's from Woman in White's manly rugged arms.

(For to get the joke, listen to the original London cast of Woman in White)

Fritz: And I suddenly know how to get home!

(Authoress's Note: Somewhere between the above time and when they get home, there is an issue with Fritz almost getting drowned/suffocated/neck broken by a boa constrictor. Don't worry- Ernst doesn't do anything to make anyone not hate him, Roberta only screams and cries a lot, and Fritz escapes unscathed and is as dashingly hot –or more so!- as ever.)

(At the tree house)

Mother: It's Christmas! I miss Fritz! My only hope is that by now he's killed Ernst like he promised me before he left…Ye-es…death to the middle child…

Father: It's official. You never shut up.

Francis: Hey! Look what followed me home! (He pets an alligator, who smiles and licks its lips.)

Mother: No. Nononononononono. I am drawing the line.

Francis: Aw, come on. He looks so cute! We can name him Bob!

Mother: FRANCIS! IT'S EATING YOUR ARM!

Francis: No, that's just a love bite. Heehee, that tickles!

Father: Francis, I think that this pet is going to have to come with me to the Animal Hyatt, the hotel chain that the authoress doesn't own.

Mother: Oh thank God, you're going to kill this one too…

Francis: Kill? You said it was going to the Animal Hyatt an get massages an daiquiris an everything!

Father: Francis, it's an alligator! It is currently eating up your left leg!

Francis: Oh yeah…that…

(Fritz, Ernst, and Roberta ride up, Roberta on the zebra)

Fritz, Ernst, and Roberta: O CHRITSMAS TREE, O CHRISTMAS TREE! THY LEAVES ARE SO UNCHANGING!

Mother: FRITZ!

Father: FRITZ!

Francis: FRITZ!

Monkey, Elephant, Ostrich, Alligator, and Hippo, all named Bob: FRITZ!

Roberta: FRITZ! (glomps) (Everyone stares) Uh…hehehe

Fritz: ME! (glomps self) I love me. Me me me.


	8. Bob the Monkey

Mother: Fritz, whatever you did to kill Ernst, it didn't work very well. Did you know that he standing right here?

Ernst: Hi, Mother.

Mother: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! GO BACK TO HADES WHERE YOU BELONG, ANNOYING STUPID CHILD!

Ernst: I hate it here….

Father: Mother, look! The Island God has blessed us with a girlfriend for Fritz!

Mother: Heh…heh…yet another way to torture Ernst…

Father: Yes…hopefully he will become so depressed that he will kill himself and we shall eat his arms and legs…

Francis: No, I think I should get them. Bob the Alligator borrowed mine. (Bleeds)

Mother: Francis…

Francis: Don't worry! He said that he'd give them back!

Mother: Francis…

Francis: Don't worry!

Father: Okay.

Mother and Father: Yes… We shall eat Ernst… (They both do freaky Gollum (the character that I have nothing to do with in creating/writing about/etc) impressions and creep out everyone.)

Ernst: You do know that I can hear you, right?

Mother: GO BACK TO HADES, FREAK OF NATURE! By the way, Roberta, come. Let me give you a pretty dress. You _cannot_ pull off the tomboy look.

Roberta: Ooh! Pretty dresses!

Mother: Yes… We shall have a dancing time…And you shall dance with Fritz and Ernst will be left alone. And we shall laugh at him. And then we shall eat him on the barbeque…

Roberta: (gets a very pretty pink ruffle-ly and slightly cleavage baring dress.) Oh! I feel pretty!

Mother: Oh. If only your hair were not short and ugly.

Roberta: Oh yes. (They sigh, and then go down to the main tree house area.)

Fritz: (Drools)

Ernst: (Drools more)

Fritz: I'm sorry that I have to wear a shirt, but I assure you I am still as hot as ever.

Roberta: Okay. Me dance with you now. (Glomps)

(Fritz and Roberta dance/glomp. Ernst buts in, and sadly is a rather much better dance than Fritz)

Ernst: I luvb you, Roberta-Schnookums-Pie!

Mother: Ernst is happy. This must not continue. Fritz. Embarrass beyond mental capacity.

Fritz: Will do, Mommy Dear. (He takes some banana and sticks it tucked in the waistband of Ernst's pants.)

Bob the Monkey: BANANA! (Glomp. Attaches himself to the banana stuck into Ernst's pants.)

Ernst: MONEKY! DEMON MONEKY! AAAAAAAA HHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Fritz: Ha! I have triumphed again!

Father: Okay, this is going to get ugly. And Ernst can't get beaten up. Bruises don't taste good. I dance with Roberta now!

Roberta: Uh…Aren't you married?

Father: Yeah, but my wife is perpetually hating me for wanting to move to New Guinea.

Mother: Humph. Jerk.

Fritz: Francis, will you dance with me?

Francis: Hold on…let me get Bob the Alligator off my leg… (Shakes alligator off. He crashes over the railing and lands on some strategically placed trash cans) Okay. All good.

Fritz: Uh…you have no limbs….

Francis: Why so you're right! (Bleeds)

Tinkerbell: TOO MUCH BLOOD FOR A DISNEY MOVIE! (Magically restores Francis's limbs) (Disappears)

Francis: All better.

(Fritz and Francis dance.) (Father and Roberta Dance.) (Mother fires up the barbeque for Ernst's arms and legs.)

Ernst: I'm alone. Just like Marian from Woman in White and Mark from Rent and Eponine from Les Misérables and Erik from Phantom of the Opera and Quasimodo from Notre Dame de Paris…

(The above mentioned characters, none of which I own, appear and form a support group fro Ernst.)

Marian: You think you have it bad. I saved my sister's life, sending a few months of almost getting the guy of my dreams down the drain.

Mark: My girlfriend left me to become a lesbian.

Eponine: I gave Marius the address for the other girl he loved, letting him stalk her and throwing away any chance I had.

Erik: Uh…I threatened to blow up the Opera House with both Christine and me in it if she didn't choose to love me…and in the end I let her go.

Quasimodo: I'm deaf from ringing my beloveds. Yes. I name the bells. Yes. I have no life. Why do you think I do everything Frollo always says regardless of its legality?

(They all disappear)

Ernst: I'm still depressed. Maybe I'll go kill myself…

Tinkerbell: (appears and whacks Ernst with a wand) No suicide in Disney movies. Mention it again you'll never mention anything again. HEH HEH! Tongue cutting outs are fun! (disappears)


	9. Bob the Ostrich and Bob the Donkey

(Cut to the next day.)

Father: The pirates will come after us. We must be prepared.

(The family proceeds to create many intricate traps fro the pirates.)

Francis: We have to have pits with tigers in them!

Father: We can have pits, but no tigers.

Francis: (does Jedi mind thing) We will have tigers.

Father: We…will…have…tigers…

Ernst: (makes top hat out of straw, singing as he works.) I love Roberta, I love Roberta…

Roberta: (has intimate conversation with Fritz)

Ernst: (appears) HI! I MADE A HAT!

Roberta: Oh…you look….uh…nice…

Fritz: She means stupid.

Ernst: No she doesn't'!

Roberta: Yeah I do…

Fritz and Ernst: (fight it out)

Roberta: FIGHT! FIGHT!

Francis: FIGHT! FIGHT!

Mother: KILL HIM, FRITZ! KILL HIM! WE'LL EAT WELL TONIGHT!

Father: Oh, come on now! What have I said about bruises messing up the taste of the meat? BREAK IT UP! By the way, this must have happened because everyone's all stressed out. We shall have a holiday tomorrow.

(Later on the bridge)

Roberta: Hey, utterly hot without a shirt Fritz. Wanna teach me how to shoot a gun?

(Apparently the above act requires Fritz basically touching Roberta on the back and arms. The two are very close. And it would have been a very romantic moment complete with a kiss, had Ernst not appeared.)

Ernst: I LOVE YOU ROBERTA- oh. Fritz. Uh….Father wants to talk to you…

Fritz: I'm busy.

Ernst: Uh…he wants to rant with you about how unnecessary and stupid and good for food I would be.

Fritz: Always a good topic. Ta, Roberta! (Goes away)

Ernst: Hi, Roberta. (Drools.) Whatcha doing?

Roberta: Fritz was teaching me how to shoot a gun.

Ernst: Need me to help? (Drools)

Roberta: I got the hang of it. (Shoots a perfect bull's-eye, proving that she only asked Fritz for the romantic opportunity.) (Walks away to glomp over Fritz.)

Ernst: I upset.

(Cut to the next day.)

Father: YAY! IT HOLIDAY! Now we have a race. Roberta can ride Bob the Zebra, Fritz can ride Bob the Donkey, Francis can ride Bob the Elephant, and uh…now which animal would be impossible to win the race and make Ernst look really stupid while riding…OSTRICH! Ernst will ride Bob the Ostrich!

Ernst: (on ostrich) I hate it here.

Mother: Francis. You hurt my Bob the Elephant an we eat you along with Ernst.

Francis: (gulp) Rightly so, Mother.

Mother: Okay. Now go!

(They race. Fritz looks hot. Ernst looks stupid. Roberta goes off on her own to the beech, and sees the pirates coming.)

Roberta: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FRITZ-Y CUTIE-SWEETIE-PIE SAVE ME! (rides Bob the Zebra back to the house.)

Everyone: Oh. We though you had gone to glomp Fritz again.

Fritz: No. (tear)

Roberta: (cries) The pirates are here an if they find me I'll get-

Tinkerbell: (appears) Don' make-a me keel you. (shakes now completely covered in blood wand.)

Roberta: I'll…uh…have to uh…marry…one of the pirates…

Tinkerbell: That's-a more like it. (disappears in a flash of fairy dust.)

Francis: OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW! THE DEMON FAIRY GOT DEMON FAIRY DUST IN MY EYE!


	10. Bob the Tiger and Bob the Ostrich

Father: We shall prepare for battle. Yes…Ernst, you are expected to at every possible moment throw yourself into the line of fire. But don't get hit by a bazooka. We're running down on meat.

Ernst: I really, really hate it here.

Father: And now, we shall sleep.

Francis: But what about the tiger pits? And the pits with sharp and pointy objects at the bottom?

Father: If you can get a tiger into a pit, you can have a tiger.

Francis: YAY! What do we name it?

Father: George!

Ernst: JHolahichpaiudgwbodhaliuhdaljg.

Fritz: Uh…H…A…R…R…Y! That makes….uh…

Mother: It will be named Bob.

Roberta: Yes. It will be named Bob.

Father: Why Bob? George is a much better name!

Mother: (Jedi Mind Trick) It will be named Bob.

Father: It…will…be…named…Bob…

Francis: Okay. We cover the pit with palm leaves, and we hang a slice of some meat, maybe Ernst, over the pit. So the tiger walks across the palm leaves and falls into the pit!

Fritz: See? I really am the only dumb one in the family…I have to go cry now…

(The family sleeps)

Tiger: Meat! Wow! Maybe it's even Ernst meat! I'll have to go see! (walks over pit. Falls.) Oh crap.

Tinkerbell: WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT THE PG LANGUAGE? DO YOU ALL WANT TO DIE?

Tiger: Please don't kill me nice fairy!

Tinkerbell: I'm only letting you go because the humans can't understand Tigerese. I'll let you off with a savage beating. Next time I shant be so generous. (Tiger is savagely and not very G-ful-ly beaten. Tinkerbell pops back to Never-Never-Land.)

Francis: I GOT MY TIGER! I GOT MY TIGER!

Mother and Roberta: WE GOT OUR BOB! WE GOT OUR BOB!

Father: Yes…the…tiger…will…be…named…Bob…

Fritz: I HAVE MY WORD A DAY TOILET PAPER TO MAKE ME SMART!

Ernst: I HAVE MY SUPPORT GROUP OF OTHER MARIAN-LIKE CHARACTERS!

Tiger: I don't have Ernst meat. It must have only been beef or Bob the Ostrich meat…(cries)

Pirates: HJGAOGCAOUTG! We come to kill you.

Father: Oh cr-

Tinkerbell: (pops up) DO YOU WANNA DIE, SWISS PUNK?

Father: Oh cr_ud_.

Tinkerbell: That's more like it. (pops away)


	11. Bob the Coconut Bomb

Preparations for the pirate attack go less than well.

Father: TO THE SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON MOBILE!

Mother: We don't have one anymore. We had to leave it in Switzerland.

Father: Oh, crud. Okay. To the fortress we made! But first: Release the heavy wooden logs of doom!

(At his word Fritz cuts loose the ton or so of logs to fall and crash the pirates. Despite the fact that logically about ¾ of them would have been crushed/mortally wounded, about 99/100 of them keep coming.)

Pirates: Gougaboctfaudgi!

Pirate King: Now: We cross the bridge! (The pirates do so.)

Father: COLLAPSE THE BRIDGE!

(Someone does something to make the bridge collapse.)

Pirate: I'M DROWNING I'M DROWNING!!!

Other Pirate: The water's only three feet deep, moron.

Pirate: Wow. So it is. Carry on, old chaps!

(The pirates keep coming)

Father: And now, everyone's favorite part, THE COCONUT BOMBS!

Fritz, Ernst, Francis, Father, and Roberta: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!

Mother: (to her new pet coconut bomb) I'm gonna take yo hom with me and love you and hug you and call you Bob.

Father: GODDAMMIT, WOMAN, WILL YOU CUT IT WITH THE FRICKIN' BOB ALREADY?

Everyone: (silence.) (wait for Tinkerbell to come down upon his head with full fairy wrath.)

Tinkerbell: (appears in a huge flash of angry forboding smoke) WHAT DID I HEAR YOU SAY, SWISS PUNK?

Everyone: (gulp)

(The battle continues, with Tinkerbell beating up Father in the background. Eventually the pirates lighten up as to the bombs)

Pirates: We are not wimps to be stopped by stupid coconut bombs. We climb up on fort's blind side and kill you all.

(They try to do so.)

Cannon: BOOM!

Pirate: Oh crud. Cannon is headed for my head. Crud.

Pirate's Head: Oh crud. I am smashed.

Pirates: RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (They do so.)

Roberta: (looks to Ernst.) They're running away suddenly. You must have taken off your shirt again.

Ernst: (has done so.)...Maybe…..

Fritz: Don't worry, Roberta. I look sexy enough to make everyone forget about Ernst.

Roberta: True. (glomps)

Father: That's enough. Now. Who is our wonderful savior?

Old Guy: ME!!!!

(Cut to next day.)

Old Guy: Me rich.

Roberta: Yes Granddaddy.

Old Guy: Well, I guess we'll just have to claim this island for Switzerland. By the way, Mother and Father, do you want to go on to New Guinea or go back to Switzerland?

Father: I want to stay here.

Mother: I want to go to Hollywood.

Old Guy: No. You're a horrible actress.

Mother: PUNK! YOU DO NOT GET TO CONTRADICT ME!

Father: Seriously. You do not want to. She is a psychopath.

Mother: NO I'M NOT!

Old Guy: How about you stay here?

Mother: Alright. But only because I get to be the governor of this new province, right?

Old Guy: Oh…sure…despite the fact that this movie is set in an extremely sexist time period… (To Father) Let her be the president of the island. Everyone knows they hold no real power.

Father: Quite so.

(Cut to Fritz and Roberta)

Roberta: Heh…heh…cutie Swiss boy…(drool)

Fritz: Uh… I guess you'll be going back to Switzerland with your grandfather now. By the way, do you have a fiancé or anything?

Roberta: Not here I don't.

Fritz and Roberta: (Kiss)

Ernst: HIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROBERTA AND FRITZ I SEEEEEEE YOUUUUUU!!!!

Roberta: Don't tell me someone hasn't killed him yet…

Ernst: But not for lack of trying! (Shakes off Montparnesse, who has been trying to saw his head in half)

Montparnesse: WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!!!!

Ernst: Don't worry. Others better than you have tried and failed. By the way, why do you want to kill me?

Montparnesse: Eponine sent me.

Ernst: But Eponine is so nice in our meetings for Marian-Like-Characters-Unite…

Montparnesse: Trust me. She hates your guts. And by contact, I have come to hate you to Hades and back.

Ernst: Oh… (Shakes off Montparnesse, who pops back into Paris, 1832.) Hey Roberta, Fritz. Whatcha doing?

Roberta: I think it's a bit obvious. Go let Montparnesse kill you.

Ernst: Anything you say, my love. By the way, your granddaddy pulled some strings and got me into Alcatraz University!

Roberta: Uh…Alcatraz is a prison in California. Which won't be settled by Europeans for another two hundred years.

Ernst: Oh well. Ta! (Walks away)

Roberta: 'Alcatraz University' is slang for 'Tying to the mast as a sacrifice to Tinkerbell the first chance we get'.

Fritz: So he's gone?

Roberta: Uh…yeah.

Fritz: ALL HAIL OLD GUY! THE STUPID JERK IS DEAD!

Everyone save Ernst and Old Guy: ALL HAIL OLD GUY! THE STUPID JERK IS DEAD!

Ernst: Hey. I'm not dead yet….

Old Guy: (cries) I'd like to thank my granddaughter Roberta, who is currently over there glomping Fritz for giving me this wonderful opportunity to rid the world of another self righteous jerk, and my chia pet and…

Ernst: I'm not dead yet!

Tinkerbell: THAT'S IT! TOO MANY DEATH REFERENCES! CUT TO THE CREDITS!


End file.
